Eating my feelings

Today's lunch. Lightly sauteed zucchini, red and yellow peppers, mushrooms, spinach in evoo with hummus wrap. Super yummy!

Today’s lunch. Zucchini, red & yellow peppers, mushrooms and spinach sauteed in evoo with hummus wrap. Super yummy!

I’m sitting here thinking about the amazing mind body connection we have with food. I mean, yes, we all crave junk at times, but when we make a conscious effort to eat healthier we feel better overall. Seriously, how do you feel after you sit alone in your car and scarf that greasy cheeseburger, or that movie sized box of candy? Disgusting. Gross. Angry. Depressed. Disappointed in yourself. I know I’m not alone here. I know that there are people all over the country, probably all over the world, sitting in their car or apartment eating stuff they know damn well they shouldn’t be eating. Hell, how about on the floor in front of the refrigerator grabbing random food shoving it down their throats almost faster than they can swallow…Been there. Done that. I am not saying this to make you feel bad. I am saying this to let you know you’re not alone. I am not alone. We are not alone.

I have been thin, I have been fat, and I have been where I am right now before. Somewhere in the middle, fed up with feeling like crap and wanting to make positive changes. Are you with me? I hope so.

I joke with my best friend all the time about eating my feelings. It’s kind of like a running joke between us. But the funny thing is, it’s really not that funny. I do eat my feelings. I’m pretty sure so many of us do, but are too ashamed to admit it. So I make fun of myself. I use humor to deflect from my emotional state when the truth is too hard to face. Everything is better when you can just laugh about it right? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe looking inside of ourselves is harder than we anticipated, so we deflect. Look over here. This is funny. Don’t notice my reckless abandon staring you in the face.

Most of my life I have spent it worrying about when I’m going to die. Yes. Morbid I know. But it’s who I am. Or at least who I’ve been. Women in my family have a long history of dying before they are fifty. Or at least in the close to age vicinity. I have spent my ENTIRE life waiting to die at an early age. I let it control my actions, my feelings, and my mindset. I’m here to say that I am ready to live.

It has been a long year for me. My grandmother’s death and then the almost immediate deaths of two close family members pushed me over the edge and under an emotional tidal wave of depression and anxiety. I shut down. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. I stopped living. Stopped caring about what I did, what I ate, and how I lived. Hey, what was the point? At forty one I was close to the casket. Right? And some days I am still there. Holding my breath. Trying not to drown under the weight of my past and vague promise of my future. Struggling to break the surface. But some days, like today, I close my eyes and let the sun warm my face as I dream of an alternate reality from the one where I die in less than nine years. I dream of a place where I have a hand in controlling my destiny.

Every day I am trying to make healthier food choices. I don’t always succeed. But when I do, the feeling of accomplishment…boy oh boy…it tastes like satisfaction. Mmmmmm. Maybe I am still drooling over that cookie ice cream in the freezer, apparently dreaming loudly of bacon according to my husband…but I would rather eat my unprocessed, natural foods and feel the flood of endorphins sluicing through my veins and giving me that high that you can only get from natural foods and healthy living. Call me crazy. Haha, you wouldn’t be the first. But I know what I know, and what I know is that I feel better when I eat better. When I get my butt up off the couch and do something, anything. Live.

I can choose to let my thoughts control me or I can choose to control my thoughts. I can toss those self destructive depressive thoughts out the window and replace them with positive thoughts. I can choose to eat that greasy cheeseburger and large fries and wash it down with a giant coke or I can prepare a healthy meal for my family to better our lives. One meal at a time.

Let’s do this. Let’s change our lives one day at time. We didn’t get unhealthy in one day and we won’t get healthy in one day. I know I didn’t get like this overnight. But I tell you this, from a girl who is barely over five feet tall and has been over two hundred pounds (yes, picture it, not a very pretty picture)…I have done it before and will do it again. I will get my healthy back. I can feel it already. With every little change I make I take a step towards a better tomorrow.

I am in tears sitting here writing this. I am ready for change and praying for wisdom. They say with age comes clarity. I believe that I am starting to see through the fog. I just needed to change my perspective. Shift. There, that’s a bit brighter.

I am thinking of the meal I will make for my loves tonight. Something tasty but healthy. Baby steps. Every day. Baby steps. I can do it and so can you. We are not alone.

Peace and love,

Angie

 

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